She’s So Fine

A recent headline in the newspaper stopped me in my tracks. It read, “Male chimps will fight over older females.” Scientists have determined that we humans share something like 99 percent of our DNA with chimpanzees. Now, thanks to this study out of Boson University, we know what that critical 1 percent represents. When did you last hear of any human males coming to blows over an “older” female?

(This dishy chimp is from the fabulous book Creature by Andrew Zuckerman (c) )

At this point, and in the interests of full disclosure, I should state that if I were of the simian persuasion, knuckle-dragging Romeos would be hurting each other to win my affections. As it is, the last time two guys threw down over me someone’s butterfly-collared disco shirt got all bloodied; and let me tell you, it’s hard to wash that stuff out of polyester. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a proponent of brawling. The last thing I want is a couple of geezers going all Rocky Balboa over me. I’m strictly of the “make love not war” generation and get hives when people just raise their voices. It’s simply that the notion that any men would think mature women viable enough to fight over is staggering. As it is, I have nightmares of waking up with the house surrounded by the LAAP (LA Age Police): metrosexual men in Diesel-designed uniforms and Gucci aviator sunglasses bearing megaphones. “Lady, just get the Botox or we’ll be forced to bus you to the Arizona border, where we’ll set you free to roam with your own kind.”

The article went on to say that the male chimps prefer the older females because they are more dominant socially and have access to better food. If that’s the sum of what they have to offer, we homo sapien broads have it all over our chimp sisters. So as a public service to the men out there, allow me to enumerate some of the reasons you should be fighting over us.

• Most of our baggage has been lost in transit. We can easily shoulder what’s left.


• We don’t need to read Cosmo for the sex tips.


• We’re the last generation who can cook like your mother. The pot roast stops here.


• We can afford to call a plumber, an exterminator, or a moving company.


• If you say the words Paris Hilton to us, our response is: “Cool, I’ll go pack. And I know this great little bistro in Montmartre.”


• Acne and angst are sooooo last century.


• Our biological clocks have stopped ticking. (Bonus: We’ll never send you on an emergency tampon run.)


• We’re perfectly capable of occupying ourselves while you watch a game.


• We’ve grown into Chanel No. 5.


• The kids are grown so we can take off for the weekend on a whim.


• We’ve been there, done that, and can make a funny story out of most of it.


• We still get mad, schoolgirl crushes. But we’ll never drive by your place to see if you’re home.


• If you don’t hit it off with one of us, we have loads of friends to fix you up with.


• Finally, to borrow L’Oreal Preference's slogan, “… because we’re worth it.”