I'm Bringing Classy Back

I love Diane Keaton. I think she’s smart, talented, funny, and quirky. To some extent, I identify with her. Long before Annie Hall, I was dressing in a whacky blend of thrift shop finds and boyfriend casts-offs so felt her character in that movie was a soul sister. She’s also an outspoken proponent of aging without resorting to the needle and the knife, a view to which I also subscribe. Like her I am an atheist, have never been married or had kids (though she adopted late in life). She’s had relationships with a string of, well, interesting men, including Woody Allen, Warren Beatty, Al Pacino, and Keanu Reeves. As for me … eh, that’s a whole other blog.

So I was a bit dismayed last week when Diane detonated an f-bomb on Good Morning America. Not because it was on network television at eight in the morning and tender young minds could be corrupted: I’m sure they encounter far worse on the school bus every day. And there’s a snarky part of me that kind of likes to think about prissy moralists getting their knickers in a twist about it. It just wasn’t very classy. (Yeah, yeah, it's on YouTube if you must.)

I’m a big fan of the f word in its proper time and place. There’s nothing more satisfying when you stub a cold toe on the coffee table, get cut off in traffic, or want to demonstrate amazement as in, “what the f*%@ … ! Really, on occasion there’s nothing quite like a good f*%@.

My problem is that time and place thing. Maybe I’m over-reacting, but there’s been such a general de-classification of women in popular culture that I hate to see someone as classy as Diane Keaton perpetuating it. I’m getting so sick of turning on the TV I having vulgarity thrust at me from reality show harridans; half-dressed freak dancing video vixens; and, at least here in LA, cleavage-baring loud-mouthed anchors on morning news shows. Open any fashion magazine and you’re smacked in the face by naked women with their legs spread advertising handbags. What the f*%@! I could go on at length, but I trust you get the picture.

I’d love to see us all voluntarily adopt a position that’s a little less tawdry and a little more Audrey; to swap skanky for swanky. It’s a new day and cheap and nasty are soooo passé. So to get things rolling, I’ve written a new Classy Woman Ten Commandments.

1. You will respect yourself. You won’t get wasted, hook up with strangers, have unprotected sex, post nasty pictures of yourself on line, stay with abusive men, turn a blind eye to sexism or ageism, and generally act in ways that demonstrate you have no regard for yourself. You’re better than that. This commandment also extends to the way you dress: No more than one inch of cleavage before 7pm; no butt cracks on Main Street; and no bare midriffs over 35 (I don’t care if you do workout ).


2. You will not worship unworthy idols. Anyone who’s been arrested for drug possession or drunk driving, lost custody of their kids, been the star of a sex tape, been photographed with their lady parts on display in public is deserving of your compassion but not your admiration. Pick better role models for yourself and especially for your daughters.


3. You will not be a potty mouth. No classy woman will ever call another woman names: you know the ones I’m talking about. If someone’s acting in such a way that you think they deserve that kind of name-calling, then obviously they’ve not been classy-fied. Print out these commandments for them. You will also keep general swearing for those occasions when nothing else will do.


4. You will be tolerant of others. The planet is big enough to accommodate all of us and our differences. In fact, it’s a better place for it. So if someone doesn’t look, sound, dress, eat, play or believe like you, celebrate those differences and the rich diversity of our world. That’s how classy women roll.


5. You will respect your elders. They may be a burden, they may have done a lousy job raising you. So what? Make peace with it. If, like me, you’re in your 50s, there are a couple of generations behind us who think we’re really old! Chew on that the next time you’re tempted to get impatient with a parent or grandparent. You’ve probably done your best; so did they.


6. You will not hurt any living thing. That means no hitting, kicking, or throwing things, including harsh words. Classy women find other ways to express themselves or vent their frustration. Animals, plants, the Earth – remember, all living.


7. You will not covert other women’s’ men. If ever you find yourself tempted to flirt with a man who’s taken, put yourself in his wife/girlfriend’s place. How would you feel? Have a little class and look elsewhere. (Or at least wait until they break up!) This also extends to your BF’s gay BF. And keep your cougar claws off your friend/ neighbor/colleagues’ sons.


8. You will not steal stuff. Classy women don’t just take what they want at the expense of others. This includes knowingly buying fake designer goods; bootlegging music and movies; not returning books you’ve borrowed; and cheating on your taxes. No, everybody doesn’t do it.


9. You will not spread rumors. Gossiping is a fun way to pass times with friends. But it turns ugly when you bad-mouth, lie or pass on things you’ve heard that might not be true. Classy women are compassionate and do not hurt peoples’ feelings.


10. You will not desire to be something you’re not. You won’t starve yourself into a size two or stuff your breasts with silicone to try and look like someone else. Classy women love themselves for who they are. They love their bodies for what they can do, not just for how they look.